


Alone, Once More

by Samking



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Civil War, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-06-06 18:27:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6765004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samking/pseuds/Samking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What is the worst thing you could possibly be? Alone, once more.<br/>Steve's thoughts and feelings after the first cut scene.<br/>SPOILERS FOR CIVIL WAR</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alone, Once More

Alone Once More  
The cryo chamber hisses shut and Steve watches as it becomes opaque with the cryo ice, obscuring Bucky’s face. He’s so very grateful to T’Challa for doing this, for being so understanding about this, about Bucky, about everything since they went into hiding. He’s grateful for T’Challa allowing the now fugitives to hide out in Wakanda after everything, especially after T’Chaka’s death.

  
But his gratefulness is dulled out by another emotion, loneliness. When he woke up from the ice five years ago he thought that he was the only one left, that all the other Howlies and Peggy would be dead. He had been pleasantly surprised to find out he was wrong, that Peggy was still alive, though not quite the firecracker dame that he remembered. He still loved her. Then Bucky and the Winter Soldier, hope that his friend would be able to face the future together with him. Hope for a future with him, unlike the past in the forties where they would have ostracized for the rest of their lives. Steve would have married Peggy, he knew, and Bucky would have always been his dirty little secret that Peggy knew of but they kept from the rest of the world. God, Steve loved them both. Now Peggy was dead, passed in her sleep. Peacefully at least, Steve could take some comfort in that. Then it had just been Bucky, and after everything had happened Steve had begun to dare to hope that he and Bucky could face the future together. Then Bucky came to him about making sure what happened, falling back under the Winter Soldier’s control, would never happen again. And that was to cryogenically freeze him, again.

  
He wanted to tell Bucky no, that he couldn’t do it. But he couldn’t, he couldn’t tell Bucky no. He’d never been very good at that, not when he understood the reason why. When he wanted to make sure the same thing could never happen again. He never wanted to have to fight Bucky again. And so he agreed, he agreed to watch as Bucky was put in ice once more.

  
But now he is alone, once more. There is no one left with shared life experience, no one who would understand him waking up from dreams terrified he would have to eat another raw liver again, or had a fever he couldn’t shake. No left to joke about not having enough money to take the bus back home because they spent it on hot dogs and they’d had to catch a freezer truck back to Brooklyn. No one who could remember seeing Babe Ruth hit a homerun in Yankees Stadium, the Dodgers were better, shame they were no longer still in Brooklyn. He would still have his team, the missions, something to keep him occupied. But the dream of a life shared with Bucky Barnes, his first and very best friend, was put on ice, literally, once more. Steve wasn’t sure how much more disappointment he could take, how much more loss would he have to suffer. His family, his life in the forties, and now the life and family he had built for himself in this new decade, in this new place to live.

  
“Your friend, and my father, they were both victims.” T’Challa said not unkindly to him as Steve stepped away from the cryo-chamber. Steve nodded, the King of Wakanda was right, Bucky had been a victim since 1943 when he was captured by Armin Zola and experimented on in Austria, and then again when he fell from that train in the Alps. That awful day, Steve shook his head trying to drown out the screams of his friend, they had invaded his nightmares for the longest time, invaded his waking moments at times too. He’d done his best to move on from that, Sam had helped some, putting his counseling skills to good use during the year they had been a team together. He had helped Wanda too, she wasn’t as angry anymore, which was good.

  
“You must go back to your team now.” The King said, Steve nodded. Who knew how long it would take for Ross to pick up their trail.

  
“Of course.” Steve said quietly, turning slightly to look at the cryo chamber. One last goodbye. He had never given up looking for Bucky, there were times that he had to suspend the search but he never gave up. Sam had been a wonderful help, looking at the leads that he couldn’t due to his high profile. He had searched every Hydra base looking not only for the staff, but also for Bucky, worried at every turn that he would run into Winter Soldier, not Bucky. Your Mom’s name was Sarah had been the most beautiful words he’d heard after Bucky had reverted back to Winter Soldier. Bucky’s fears were not unfounded, there was a chance with all that Hydra programing that he could revert back to Winter Soldier, that someone else could figure out the words that would revert him back. He would never let that happen, not again. He hadn’t given up then, and he wasn’t given up now, this was only temporary he promised himself. He would see his friend again, they would have their future together, he wasn’t giving that up.

  
“I’ll give you a moment to say goodbye.” T’Challa said quietly, stepping away from Steve.

  
“Thank you.” Steve stepped back towards the cryo chamber, watching as T’Challa left the room, giving him his moment alone with Bucky.

  
“This is your way not to ever be a victim again. This is you taking control.” Steve stopped for speaking for a moment, collecting his thoughts. “You hated not being in control. Despite that you were my friend, you couldn’t stop me from getting into fights, so you’d jump in there with me. Defending the little guy.” Steve chuckled slightly. “I remember cold winter nights, like the winter of forty-one, right after Ma died, we would sleep in the same bed because it was so cold and you were so worried about me. Worried I wouldn’t wake up. I’m sorry I scared you like that.

  
“You’re taking control, and I know that. But I wish it didn’t have to be this way.” Steve glanced down at the ground, and the back where he could barely see the outline of Bucky’s face. “I want you to know though, and in some ways I think you already know. But I love you, Bucky Barnes, I have loved you since you rescued me from that bully on the playground when we were seven years old. I will always love you, Bucky. That is why I knew you had to do this.” He reached up to touch the outside glass of the chamber, right about where Bucky’s heart would be. “Keep my heart safe, okay jerk.” And then he stepped back away from the chamber and he turned towards the door. He didn’t look back, afraid that if he did he might never leave that room ever again.

  
What’s the worst thing you could possibly be? It was a question that Steve had asked himself before undergoing the super soldier serum he had imagined himself as a monster, like in the movies, with a tail or something due to the experiments. Now he knew the answer. What’s the worst thing you could possibly be? Alone, once more.

**Author's Note:**

> My reaction piece to the cut scene at the end of Civil War. Loved the movie, but that part tore me up inside. I understand why Bucky went back in the ice, but it still made me upset. Rumor is Sebastian Stan will be back for the infinity Wars movies, glad to hear that.


End file.
